So im 20 years old and i dont know if im going crazy or not... lets start form the beginning. Since before i was born my mom and dad had been separated and i was pretty much raised by my dad. I saw my mom every once every few years and it had never bothered me since it was really the only way i knew. So... it was just me and my dad my entire life i didn't make many friends because i basically spent all my time with him, going to the movies, theme parks etc. He died when i was 15 and although i never showed it to anyone it kinda changed me, i no longer had someone to talk too, or able to talk about my everyday problems, no mentor to help me get through things... no father figure and no mother figure nobody...
I ended up moving about 5 hours away from everything i knew, gave up what little friends i already had and started a new life with my grandparents. I actually became quite popular; played sports, on yearbook and known as "the funny guy", and i got good grades in all my classes. I didnt drink or do drugs and had a decent job. I had a great high school experiance and people liked me. but it was all fake; i told people that i was okay after the death and the new life but to sum it all up i wasnt, i dont know why but since then i havnt been able to actually hold a close friendship. although everyone like me at school, as soon as the end of the day came along i would go home and just forget everyone and literally play games or watch tv until i went to sleep or had to work.
I went to a great college and lived on campus and everything changed again. I didnt want the same thing to happen where i would be fake and make friends that i didnt care about and hated to be around. So i tried t be a serious guy but ended up falling into the same routine being the funny guy with a loy of friends but no one close enough to have a deep conversation with,,, except for one friend that became supper close with we ate every meal, went everywhere together and just had a great time doing it to we were really close and i was actually vefamous friendship quotes poemsry happy to hang out with 24/7 but one day i just.... lost it, i couldnt have fun anymore no matter what, i was bored all the time again and started to become depressed,,,
Things started going downhill after that i stopped going to work, class got some pretty bad insomnia( took me at least 3+ hours to fall asleep even if i was dead tired, and would wake up at least 7-10 times a night no joke) . Soon they threw me out of school for grades, alcohol and just not showing up to class. And it wasnt that it was too hard, when i focus on a subject i tend to do great at it usually above average get 85%+ on all test, exams, and essays but i just couldnt get up and go to class anymore i kinda just quit and became very withdrawn,i wanted to be alone i began to hate each and every social experience i had. even at parties i ended up just leaving early because i couldnt relate/ wasnt interested in what anyone was doing, it all just made me sick watching all these people getting along with each other so happily when i just couldnt even muster a joke anymore. so here i am now working as a dishwasher where i go straight there and then home, dont talk to anyone while im there, when i go home i stay home all day til i have to go to work again. I stay at home listen to music, play guitar, paint, write a blog (poems, inspirational quotes etc) and just think about what i want for the future. have no goals or ambitions, noone to push me to excel, i dont want to be famous or any of that nonsense i just want to be content with my life, no expectations, i just have absolutely 0 emotions now, i dont want to commit suicide or even do anything that would lead to my death but at the same time i dont want to spend eternity just doing nothing all day everyday . People have tried to be my friend, girls have asked me out and i pretty much just reject them all. I guess ive become 'level headed" and i know that i can do anything i set myself to do, i not afraid of what people think of me. i guess the only way i could describe myself at this very moment is exactly likfamous friendship quotes poemse Howard Roark form the first 100 pages of the fountainhead, i mean exactly!!, before i read the book i decided the only career path i wanted was to be a architect, not because i wanted to build anything to be admired but just because it seemed like the best choice for my natural skill set. i enrolled in college and plan to just see it through and maybe get my masters in the subject, plan to buckle down 100% and study and have 0 down time for these depressing thoughts. but i cant help but look at a very glim and dark future that im setting myself up for, no friends no family no social interactions and the past 10 conversations ive had were in my head. i have literally no one to talk too, no money for a psychiatrist, live with a roommate i havnt bothered to get to know, thats y im here, i need advise please help... srry for long story and
Sounds like Uve developed a form of asperges because of that traumatic experience of your father dieing :( see a psychologist, I did. And though my lifes not completely straight I can see a bit of light. At the end of the tunnel.
im so sorry to hear that. but. to be able to get through life. we need someone who we can count on.. from reading ur strory, ifeel u should let urself open up to others... lonliness can kill u know... make new friends and try to keep them... meet new people. experiemce something new :) but most importanly, try to trust people ;)
i think you should add a magnesium suplement to your diet and try that for a few weeks
if you don't feel better speak to a professional about possibly receiving medical treatment
my grandmother has a similarly sad story and only has the drive to go to work or to eat. and she is always moody, unreasonable, and has bad sleeping paterns(due to work).
she got a magnesium mix that you add to your drink and she was visiblely a brighter person i also tried this stuff for a few weeks and noticed that i slept better woke up more refreshed and was more productive in class (i have ADHD so paying attention is hard).
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